=====
So, where were we? The girl. With the cat. At the bridge base! Remember? What is Megumi going to do!?!? Let's find out!
Kotoha notices the direction Megumi is looking, and sees the girl. And the girl is looking their way, as if asking for help. One step (or if the cat decides to start moving around) and she might fall into the river.
Right when Megumi is about to start moving toward the girl's way, Kotoha shouts "Don't!".
Stop, it's too dangerous. Better to leave the matter to firefighters or something, she says.
And so I think of firefighter Mio, of course, but it's not the point!! The point is that Megumi is like "Nah-ah". It's fine. She'll act as a stepping stone to help the girl up.
Kotoha insists. And so does Megumi. "If I fall, I'll probably be fine, but she might drown!".
And then Kotoha says "Listen to me, Meguchi. This is not like what you did with me. You don't have to do it. I know you're kind, and I know that's why you helped me, but...I don't want to see you get hurt."
Kotoha is frantic, in her trying to stop Megumi. That's when Megumi hears the cat make a sound and she starts seeing (in slow motion) Kotoha's face and that of the girl panicking. This is when it begins, the reliving of what happened six months earlier. Yes, we're going there, my friends! You're going to get the full car accident story! Megumi insight. Megumi insight! Let's go!
Once upon a time, Megumi used to wear the Saint label as a badge.
She used to volunteer, help out with summer festivals at kids' after school care, and assisted in inventory checks at the library. This Megumi would've surely straightforwardly helped that kid at the rental store.
But she wasn't that Megumi anymore. And the reason why was an accident happened a year before. Everything went mad after that. Even now, there's traces at the crossing in front of the university, and articles about that would easily come up online. With Megumi Yotsugi's name appearing as a related term. But what happened?
Megumi was about to go to her second period class (this is so irrelevant, but I'm writing it anyway for some reason!!). She was in a rush due to a train delay, and that class was quite strict when it came to being late...you were marked as absent if you weren't there when the bell rang (again, why am I including these details? Sorry). Right when the pedestrian signal started blinking...that's when it happened. A car suddenly veered to the right, crossed the sidewalk and crashed into a phone booth. Megumi heard a scream and, almost unconsciously, ran towards the car. A man in his thirties was in the driver's seat, with his lower body squashed by the crushed car. His head was broken. She could see hid brain matter between the hair and the cracked skull (uh...). There was blood everywhere. But the man was stll breathing! Megumi took a handkerchief from her bag and pressed it on his head to try and stop the bleeding. It didn't last for long, the handkerchief filled with blood in seconds, and the man's body started growing colder and colder. Still, Megumi didn't give up and, almost as a prayer, she shouted "Please, someone! Call an ambulance!". A lot of people had gathered around the scene. Someone had probably already called help. But Megumi kept shouting "Call an ambulance!", "Please help him!" until the ambulance arrived.
The man survived, losing both legs and sight in one of his eyes. It was thanks to Megumi's intervention. Those few seconds of bleed stopping might've made the miracle happen. But Megumi's actions were not perfect. The car was at risk of explosion and she could've died due to that. She could've made a mistake in the aid provided. Still, she did succeed. And she saved a life. This turned her into a celebrity of sorts, with pictures of her shouting, covered in blood, circulating online, and everyone sharing their thoughts on the matter. The apartment she lived in back then was flooded with reporters who asked her what allowed her to act such bravely? "It just happened unconsciously. I wasn't thinking about anything". Her words were translated into "I just wanted to save a life, no matter what. My body moved before fear could stop me". And since it was all unconscious, she couldn't even deny it. She barely remembered anything, apart from the feeling of the awfully warm blood. We're also explained that the incident wasn't covered much on TV, but it was all over magazines and web media, especially the latter. Every new article about an accident would mention Megumi's heroic actions. Even her volunteer work, which didn't get any attention before, started being talked about. Everyone was praising Megumi's "humanity".
Megumi refused all awards and the likes from universities and other institutions. The only thing she agreed to, is meeting the man who got into the accident, who wanted to thank her. It was a month after it all happened. The man was waiting for Megumi in his huge hospital room. "Thank you, truly. If it weren't for you, I would be dead". He even tells her he was thinking of offering her a reward, which Megumi says there's no need for. He continues praising her modesty, so rare in people her age, he says. He offers to give her whatever she might need for her student life. And, lastly "When I get discharged, maybe we could have a meal together" (ohi!).
Turned out this man worked for a huge corporation and the cause of the accident was the fact that he was fiddling with his phone. We're suggested this might be why it wasn't covered much on TV. Megumi tells him she didn't do anything to be thanked for. She acted unconsciously. As an example, she brings the involuntary contractions that wake someone up from sleeping. But he doubles down, saying "It's even more impressive, if you did it unconsciously! It's genuine good will, rather than hypocrisy". While listening to him, Megumi could only think she had seen that man's brain matter...
Is the reason why Megumi didn't hesitate even in the face of the grotesque nature of what she had to witness, that she was truly a person of exceptionally good will?
Is Megumi Yotsugi a perfectly, thorougly, good person?
The man goes on, saying that a reporter had suggested an interview article with him and Megumi. He'd like to talk about what happened, saying it might lead to people being saved if something similar happens again. Megumi tries to find the words to respond, and she can't. She ultimately ends up...vomiting right there on the floor of that big luxurious hospital room. She never met the men again. No rewards, no meal, no interview. She had received multiple emails directed at her (through the university), but she never even bothered to read them.
 |
| Forever precious!! |
"I'm tired of having to keep proving it.", "How am I supposed to prove if it's pure good will, if it's hypocrisy, if it happens spontaneously? They all seem to make sense and, at the same time, they all feel wrong", this is what Megumi said right after she took her leave. The fact that the concept of proof is key to the story and both characters is much more evident in the novel, I think.
On the other end of the phone, "You're a good girl, Megumi" were Sanae's words. "I'll be waiting for you to come back", adding that, once she does come back, she should stop living being fixated with the idea of intrinsic goodness. Thinking back, Megumi realizes that those words are part of the reason why Sanae is so cautious about Kotoha. Oh and, yes, this absolutely means that the beautiful, stunning, perfect, never done before, groundbreaking scene with Megumi not taking Sanae's hand, and showing us those memorable expressions is in the drama only. Blessings, blessings! By me, you and Ichika who is a woman of culture and loves that scene.
If she couldn't prove whether her actions were caused by genuine good will, reckless selfishness or involuntary reactions, then what was the point of being kind anyway? So, bye bye kindness, decides our Megumi. Though of course we know it's not that easy, for someone who is, after all, kind in nature. Her experience of kindness was ruined, though. Six months later, once she got back to university, eveything had gone back to normal. Everything, but Megumi. No more volunteering. No more actively trying to stop arguments between classmates. She did keep giving up her seat on trains, but that was it for kind behavior.
But if so, if so my friends...then why did she help Kotoha Furuhashi!?
Well, it's not like she helped her, Megumi realizes.
Megumi was afraid, and fed up with having to prove something.
And we're back, we're back down the bridge! And Megumi is telling Kotoha that it's not like she saved her, back then, just like in the drama. She tells her she was giving that all up, at that point. If it was just a matter of kindness, she would've left her there, just handing her the bottle of water.
Megumi was afraid that her picking up Kotoha could be seen as one of her "good deeds", just another expression of her so superior kindness. That's also why she acted the way she did, in the video rental store. "That's not why I helped you. I, I...".
This is when Megumi herself realizes it.
That she had started liking Kotoha a whole while ago. Possibly, even ever since she first saw her.
To the point that she didn't want it to be mistaken for goodness or ulterior motives. To the point she didn't want to it to be swept up in some pretty narrative.
But, that was not the right time! Remember the little girl, Megumi, my dear perfect woman?
Taken by the momentum, Megumi grabs Kotoha by the collar (and Kotoha loses her balance, pulled toward Megumi) and, as if to shut that mouth who looked like it was about to say something, she pushed her lips on it. Then..."I'm going", and she runs off to the bridge, and then descends to the abutment.
All's is well that ends well, right? NO! Because as she's about to go up, the moment she sees Kotoha's face turn into a smile, Megumi slips! Her body, together with the love she has just realized, falls into the river. Not to worry, though! It's our Megumi! She immediately desperately aims for the riverbank and rolls onto the ground. A moment of darkness, then her vision clears and the first thing she sees is Kotoha's face. The smile wasn't there anymore, though (well, of course!!!!).
Megumi asks about the little girl (who is fine), and Kotoha is super worried about her, telling her not to move, and that she just called the ambulance, then asking if she's hurting somewhere. Megumi's heart ached, seeing Kotoha so worried (mine too, imagining the scene!!).
Then Megumi says she has something she wants Kotoha to listen to, and we're told that she summarized everything I've mentioned previously. Then:
"I still don't really understand what real goodness and kindness even are. So...what happened with you wasn't because of kindness. Still...I could only do this right now because you were there."
"That's not true. You were amazing!"
Then we get Megumi saying the line about wanting Kotoha to laugh, and Kotoha saying she won't.
She hugs Megumi, regardless of the fact that this will get her all wet (and Megumi actually tries to tell her to stop, because she'll get dirty) and tells that beautiful "I won't laugh, because I like that about you". And she holds Megumi (who starts feeling like she wants to cry) tighter as she says that.
This in the novel marks the end of the second chapter, and we move to the third, Proof of Liking, which is also the title of the drama's Episode 5. We're getting closer to that moment, yup! But not too fast, not too fast! Megumi has caught a cold, remember? Something interesting awaits us here, that was not in the drama. Before that, I want to stop a second to point out that I'm yet again grateful to Miki Matsugasako (and Mio) for the scene in the water, because there is no comparison in terms of emotional impact. I'll never forget that scene. It marked the first time I cried watching CallMeNo...The context, the expressions, the delivery, and...the lines, my friends. The lines! It's all more dramatic and powerful, in my opinion, in the drama version of this part. For example, the line about Megumi wanting to disappear, but even more, even more...Those beautiful words Megumi says about Kotoha finding her!!!! They're so precious to me, so...eternal gratitude! Now let's get back to the novel!!
So, the cold. The cold! Megumi is sick!
K: How are you feeling? A bit better? (she asks with a kind voice)
M: Y-yes!
K: Nice response! I'm going to prepare you some rice porridge, so wait a bit. Oh, don't even try to bring your PSVita into the bed, or you'll never get better!!
M: I know, I know...
K: Is there anything you want?
M: No, nothing.
K: All right. If anything comes to mind, tell me.
M: You know...I didn't think you would come and look after me...
K: What? You thought I wouldn’t come visit my sick girlfriend? Do you think I’m that heartless?
M: I don't, but I also didn't expect you to do so much.
K: The gap should make this even better, then!
M: I guess so...
K: Now come on, get some sleep!
We're made aware of the fact that ever since she realized she likes Kotoha, Megumi's world has completely changed. Even though everything that had happened so far was in order to getting closer to becoming her friend. The irony, uh, Megumi?
The analogy here is that considering they've been playing checkers (wanting to become her friend) so far, would it really be fair to suddenly switch to chess (wanting to be her girlfriend; like, actually)?
The conditions for winning are quite different...
No matter what, Megumi now finds herself with a chess piece in her hand. She has to change the game.
But would Kotoha be up for that change? She suddenly imagines Kotoha looking her way, laughing mockingly. She even compares the situation to a mere reenactment of Murata and Kotoha. Him, desperately trying to prove he was serious about her. Her, brushing him off. The idea of having Kotoha reject her feelings felt like hell, to her.
I personally love knowing that all this was going through Megumi's head at this stage!
Also, while viewers might've compared the situations watching the drama in order to try and understand what was happening better, Megumi making a direct comparison between hers and Murata's situation was not there explicitly, so this is another extra piece from the novel. More later.
After what happened at the end of the date, we're told Kotoha felt in a good mood, she appeared softened, and would barely ever show those fake smiles from before. Almost as if the thorns she had forced on herself came off, showing the soft fair skin underneath (word for word from the novel, because I like it). Megumi knew this was something positive, something to be happy about. Their relationship had changed, without a doubt. Right now, they legitimately seemed like two close friends. Exactly what the Megumi from not long before wanted. Yet, Megumi couldn't be happy about it. While looking at Kotoha, standing in the kitchen (humming), Megumi felt this overwhelming sentiment, both sweet and heartrending. She stops looking at Kotoha only when she turns her way. She puts the futon over her face, so that Kotoha wouldn't notice (ahhhhhhhh).
It’s time for Kotoha to feed Megumi the rice porridge! One funny and lovely detail is that it was super hot, Kotoha does start to blow on it to make it colder, but it's still hot to the point of burning Megumi's tongue. Still, she didn't say anything. If that meant for the moment to last longer, then she didn't care about what happened to her tongue.
Before the drama exchange, we find out that when Kotoha was sick as a child, she would usually leave it to take its own course, just taking medicine and eating bananas because, as per her mother's pet theory, they're good for any illness.
The dialogue is almost exactly like in the series, but it ends a bit differently (also, Kotoha doesn’t stand up to get water. She doesn't change positions). After Kotoha says those words about witches being supposed to burn, Megumi comments saying that's pretty nasty to say. Completely ignoring it, Kotoha just says "But, you know? The curse remains. Even now, it's still here. Inside me." Follow me, now, follow me now, because here the author super subtly inserts a hint that can't be caught at that point. As Kotoha says that, about the curse, about it being inside her, we're told she does it placing her hand on her chest, "almost as if she was telling a fairytale". Remember the word for fairytale in Japanese? Otogibanashi (お伽話), with the same kanji that follows "night" in Kotoha's real name, Yotogi (夜伽). Maybe it wasn't intentional, but I would be surprised if it weren't. See, the words with "togi" are only a few. Reeeeeeeally a few. So the fact of inserting the fairytale narrative in the first place, could be linked to the name. What I wonder, then, is if Kotoha herself might be using it intentionally (or even subconsciously!?), as a hint. I guess I'll never know!
Oh, and, as you might have noticed, there's no trace of the dialogue about the name looking pretty but being terrible depending on context. It'll come up soon. Moving on...
Megumi remembers that Kotoha mentioned this curse not long after they had met, when she proposed the game to her. Amidst this bewildering fantasy, lies the truth of Kotoha Furuhashi. The guessing of her real name, floating beneath Megumi and Kotoha's relationship (again reporting as is in the novel, because I liked it).
Then Megumi wonders if there's a happy ending on the other side of guessing Kotoha's real name. Will the curse be dispelled? Will everything end well? She doesn't know. But what she knows, is that right now she has nothing to gain from guessing Kotoha's name... Then we have Megumi mention it's a pity that the date ended up being interrupted due to what happened, to which Kotoha says they could always go on another date. And well, Megumi can't hide her enthusiasm and is like "Eh!? You'd go on another date with me!?!?". When Kotoha points out her appearing quite excited, all flustered Megumi says "well, I had a lot of fun...". And then:
K: What, it seems that you really like me a lot (she smiles in a teasing fashion, and Megumi almost chokes at the sight).
M: ...At the riverbank, you said you liked that about me, remember?
K: Yeah, what about it, all of a sudden?
M: ...is there anything else you like about me? (oh my god, Megumiiiiiiiiiii ahhhhhhhhh).
K: Oooh, I see the fever has gotten to your head!
M: Something about me struck a chord in you, which is why you asked me to date you. Isn't that right? (she says, aware that it's quite embarrassing for her to ask this).
K: I guess so.
M: So...what is it?
But no can do. Kotoha says it's not quite there yet, for her to tell. I guess it's a reference to the fever not being high enough (for that revelation), since she touches Megumi right after that, and we're told that Kotoha's hand was hot, so much so that it couldn't provide comfort to Megumi's feverish body. Even so, it reassured her, somehow.
Someone else doesn't need a fever do dream about Ichika, but I guess Megumi did (this will always this super cute, to me).
Anyway, let's go there, my friends!!
In the dream, Kotoha didn't have her usual sly smile, nor did she show that expressionless face that would come up from time to time. It was a smile completely devoid of malice. Megumi had never seen Kotoha like that. She didn't know what she was saying, but dream Kotoha would smile, be surprised and even cry listening to Megumi's words. It was a type of crying face she had never seen before. Even though she knew it wasn't exactly appropriate, she thought it was cute (are you also thinking about Kotoha/Ichika's adorable crying face in EP8? That's what I picture here).
Megumi calls her "Kotoha" in the dream. When she does, Kotoha stops crying, leans closer to Megumi and calls her "Megumi". As she does, she slowly wraps her arm around Megumi's. Carried away by the fever (even inside the dream??), Megumi hugs Kotoha's small, helpless body.
Then she says "Kotoha...I...". It was supposed to be "I like you", but before she could reach the end, Kotoha kisses her. And that's when she wakes up. I mean, can you imagine the dream as a scene in the drama!? I would've loved it!!!!!!!
In any case, Megumi wakes up! Kotoha had gone home, because she had no place to sleep (Megumi was occupying the bed, and Kotoha couldn't sleep with her, considering the fever). Megumi is all alone, covered in sweat (which also meant ther fever had dropped considerably) and starts thinking about the dream. She shivers, considering just how honest her subconscious turned out to be. She assumes that if she couldn't confess her feelings not even in the dream, it must be because she's afraid she'll be rejected. Everything, in the dream, was tailored to her desires, which was almost terrifying.
Having fully recovered, Megumi decides to try and attend university with Kotoha. She wanted to increase the amount of time they spent together, outside of dates. Kotoha didn't oppose the idea!
They met at the station, rode the train together, attended the lesson together, and then went home together. Small things, but more than enough, for Megumi, who felt quite happy even inside the crammed up train!
That particular day, the train was even more crowded than usual, and our MeguKoto were almost pressed together. At every curve, Megumi felt super tense, worried that she might crush Kotoha (who was on the window side). Looking at her so up close, Megumi notices just how perfectly sculpted Kotoha's face is. Even before, she had thought her face was very nice, but now it was more like a poison, and looking at her from such a close distance made her nervous. She's so in love ahah. Then, suddenly...
K: Sorry, I ended up using you as a shield.
M: No worries. I'd happily do that again, and again.
K: Don't be silly! With that thin body of yours!
She says that touching Megumi's lower back!!!!!!!!
M: Wait, what are you..!?
K: Considering you've just recovered, I should've been the one protecting you, Meguchi.
M: ...You've taken care of me then. So consider this as me returning the favor.
K: To be treated this well, after something as simple as this...that's quite the bargain.
Their relationship had clearly improved.
On the way to university, Megumi thinks again - just like she did at the aquarium - that they probably looked like friends. What was a casual thought back then (was it, really? It didn't feel like it was, but it's true that Megumi hadn't fully realized her feelings for Kotoha yet), felt now quite pressing of an issue. The irony was that the more Kotoha opened her heart to Megumi, the less she would pursue physical contact. She wouldn't even try holding Megumi's hand anymore, let alone kissing. However, she was smiling more. This is quite heartbreaking, isn't it? It felt like that, to me. I mean, imagine you've just discovered you're in love with someone, who appears to be happier with you when you are just friends...who seemed like she wanted to touch you, and kiss you, even joked about going to a love hotel, but not anymore, now that you're closer.
Seeing Kotoha's hand sway beside her as they walked, Megumi can't help but feel sad and lonely, but she doesn't have the courage to put that into words...
When they reach the part of the road where they are supposed to each go their own direction, Megumi asks Kotoha if she can go check the science and engineering department (Kotoha's). Kotoha agrees, after saying that it's not that different from the literature one. Truth is that Megumi just wanted to spend as much time as possible with Kotoha, after having gone there together. This is when we find out that Kotoha studies Mathematics. Megumi asks for the reason. Kotoha says she was good at it, but also...for the same reason why Megumi picked Russian Literature. What do you mean, asks Megumi.
"Mathematics is also language. The wonderful thing about the language of math is that the sentences written using it are almost always beautiful. You know? With its beautiful words, math proves the existence of beautiful stories. Do you know about the Millennium Prize problem?" (sorry for the "beautiful" repetition but it's in the original).
Megumi doesn't (I also didn't), so Kotoha explains. The Millennium Prize Problems are a set of unsolved problems in mathematics that are considered very difficult and important. There are mathematicians dedicating their entire lives to trying and solve them. People who want to try and experience their beauty no matter what. As she talks about this, Megumi notices that Kotoha has a similar carefree expression to when she was at the aquarium. Her eyes shining.
M: "In Russian, we have Nabokov." (he's known for the beauty of his writing, so I think that's the reason for the mention).
K: "You have more than just Nabokov, though, right? When it comes to math, there's only beauty or silence".
Latching to that "silence", Megumi finds some courage and asks:
M: "Is your original name a word that would be better left unspoken?"
K: "I mean, it's always a matter of context, isn't it? In any case, at least, for me, no other name could've been more fitting, and more dreadful than the one I was given".
K: "How's the name guessing going?"
M: "Pretty bad. I'm not getting anywhere".
K: "I see...I thought you could have a chance to guess it. But I mean...it is quite the unreasonably unfair game for you, isn't it?"
It is, Megumi thinks. But moreover, the game has actually changed without Kotoha knowing it!!
M: "What if I never guess it?"
K: "That would be a problem...But there's no way you wouldn't come up with a guess at one point".
M: "Wait, does this mean the game is over after a single mistake!?" (the novel makes this rule explicit).
K: "Well, in theory you could try all possible combinations. If there's no time limit, you could eventually guess it that way".
M: "But we don't have all that time to talk!"
K: "Exactly. We don't. That's why I'm not worried".
And then...
M: "Is it like, a very long name?"
K: "In case you're thinking that, it's not something like Leona Amelia (麗音菜愛梨亜)" (remember what I explained about so called "kira kira names" in the 2nd post? Well, this is an example of that).
The more time she spends with Kotoha, the closer she will get to her name, she thinks.
A name is who a person is. That's what's written. Is it though? This is me wondering.
Literally speaking, of course it's not. But it can be in some ways. I mean, we know it can be. It can impact how someone feels about themselves based on the expectation they perceive around the name given to them (in countries where that applies). The idea of wanting to live up to one's name. There's also some studies suggesting that names subconsciously push us toward certain jobs. That could work in different ways with names, too. For Yotogi, Kotoha, we know her mother's actions put her in the condition to rationalize her name with its worst possible connotation, and it ended up defining part of her life, of her identity, after that...It's always so heartbreaking when I think about it.
Suddenly, Megumi realizes she forgot to ask Kotoha something important.
She only has one chance to guess the name. So what if she gets it wrong? What's going to happen between them? Unable to be her girlfriend or even her friend, will she lose Kotoha forever? Will she cut ties with her, just like she did... with Murata?
See how, ever since she realized she likes Kotoha, she can't help but fearfully compare her situation to Murata's? Poor Megumi!
Speaking of Murata, I'll pick up from what's next (which is Megumi's encounter with him), in the next post, because this one has gotten super long. What a surprise...As always, I look forward to reading your impressions about the differences and similarities, and your experience of the characters knowing their novel version a bit more, now!
I like the way Miki-san and Mio described beautifully those lines saying Kotoha found Megumi so much TT
ReplyDeleteAdditionally, I also like how the novel portrayed Megumi as a very straightforward person (although the movie already had a lot of that haha).
ReplyDeleteThanks for your sharing as always. I really enjoy reading your writing, it's very useful for picturing the setting of the novel. Looking forward to your next post :3
Thank you so much for reading and for commenting, truly!
DeleteI also appreciate the depiction of Megumi in the novel. Of course I already love her more than enough in the series, but getting to know her more deeply makes my appreciation even stronger! :)
I've really enjoyed your post so far and I hope you continue. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteThank you for reading, I really mean it!
DeleteNo need to hope, though! I will continue until the end of the novel!
The 5th post is ready and I was meaning to post it today, but then I got distracted with the celebration for MeguKoto getting Best Kiss in Model Press' poll, and after that SEEK gave me "work" to do with the new vlog. But if all goes well, I'll be able to post tomorrow! If you want and have time, feel free to share your thoughts about any difference (or even things that are in the drama/novel but not in the other) that you find particularly interesting!