Episode 6 Thoughts: A Bit (A Lot) Messy But Here We Go [Call Me by No Name]

I don't even know where to start. I've slept on it (sort of...I've barely slept), yet my mind and heart are still in chaos. But I want to put down some thoughts about the episode. This is going to be as messy as I am right now, so be prepared.

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To just get this out of the way, at this point, I believe the show has given us more than enough to make an educated guess about what happened in Kotoha's past. We start from Kotoha referring to her mother as a criminal, alluding to her having been in prison. But even more than this, we have what's happening in that very hard to watch scene. It shouldn't be a problem putting up with it, for Megumi. She shouldn't mind doing it. "You said you love me, right?". Why wouldn't you do that, for someone you love, uh? Then we have her say "I'm just like that woman" (meaning her mother). And before that, obviously, we have the nightmare-fueling otter scene and that quick flashback to a little girl. So, I will assume you know what I'm trying to say here.

But there's something else I wanted to write about that scene, which is my personal opinion and interpretation. Megumi's rejection in that moment, more than being about opposing the act per se, was about knowing something was off and that it was important to go through it with Kotoha. She could very well feel Kotoha wasn't in her right mind, that she wasn't being herself. She wanted to understand why, she wanted Kotoha to not feel that way. But Kotoha was not having it. She couldn't have it. So at one point, Megumi resolves to accepting that there was no changing Kotoha's state in that moment, Kotoha was too far gone, and Megumi would rather embrace her fully, even in her unreasonable outburst. She, definitely not happily (!), but still willingly surrenders. As if that's the only thing she can do for Kotoha in that moment. Things could've easily gone like they did in EP1. But the circumstances and the states of both of them were much different.

And then...

Time freezes as Kotoha's thrown back into her memories.

But time is also frozen in her entire apartment, if you think about it. Her life, her own self, is frozen there. There's nothing that would allow someone to live properly! And it's full of trash, of bagged stuff. Her past, all trash that she hasn't been able to throw away? And with that, Kotoha is yet to give herself a chance to live. Almost as if she herself is wrapped in a bag, like everything else. Do the bags solely conceal and keep away, or do they also protect? Is Kotoha Furuhashi "her" bag, the bag containing the woman who has changed her name into Kotoha Furuhashi?

About that. This episode marks the second time in which we have Megumi tell Kotoha that she's just Kotoha, to her. That's how she knows her, that's who she is for her, that's her name for her, that's how she accepts her as. And I wonder, despite the obvious love and good intentions behind those phrases, I can't help but wonder if they are actually hurtful to Kotoha, somehow. You're Kotoha. Yes, yes, she is. But she isn't just Kotoha. She's also that little girl. I wonder if part of the conflicting feelings inside of Kotoha have to do with the duality of rejecting her name, her curse, and also wanting for it to be embraced. Maybe once that happens she might even be able to let it go, and live as Kotoha. But I feel like she won't be able to do that...

Not until someone reaches their hand out for her (the real name's her), too. 

And in a way, by continually reiterating that none of that matters, that she's Kotoha and that's fine as is, Megumi is sort of rejecting real name Kotoha, isn't she? With zero such intention, but still...Just something I thought about.

Speaking of Kotoha's conflicting feelings, and duality, I believe that's also a factor in the reason why she decides to cut things off, after the wedding rings scene. I see it as almost like a love/hate sort of situation.

The first side of the coin is the love one. I'm convinced that Kotoha does love Megumi and that's a big part of the problem. Meeting her mother completely threw her off balance, showing Kotoha what the aching wounds inside can turn her into, and what that can lead to, with the horrible consequence of hurting the person she loves. But her being profoundly sorry about that brings us to the second side of the coin, the hate one (not to be taken literally). 

Megumi showers Kotoha with unconditional love, acceptance, kindness and care. Even when Kotoha behaves in ways that would be very much undeserving of that. She's ready to endure everything, for Kotoha. She underplays what happened that day, trying to lighten something that both of them know was heavy, so that Kotoha doesn't feel bad. She does it out of concern for Kotoha. And isn't that horrible, in a way? Isn't it? When you hate yourself and feel like you don't deserve love, what happens when you're inundated with such boundless love, complete acceptance, unwavering kindness? Part of you might feel joy, sure, but another part might find it overwhelming, unbearable, excruciating even. 

Receiving love can be scary, and I'm sure this is something many people can relate with, even without having gone through what Kotoha has. Imagine having gone through that...  

Megumi is bringing Kotoha happiness, but precisely because she's doing so, she's also bringing her suffering. And this adds to the suffering already in Kotoha's heart, and the one she knows she might end up causing Megumi long term. Sounds like a recipe for disaster. So maybe Kotoha tried to free both herself and Megumi from at least part of that pain. Sure, Megumi might feel hurt now, but it will pass. But if she doesn't leave, the future might hold potentially neverending and worse suffering.

While other scenes were harder to watch, the bridge scene was the saddest and in a way more painful for me. That look of absolute defeat on Kotoha's face...When she sees the rings and calls them trash, with teary eyes. She can't take it. All that love. She wants, so badly, I feel sure of it, but she can't take it. And it's not just this that moves me about this scene. It's also how incredibly strong Megumi is. I'm sure that the reason why Kotoha's reactions and words didn't kill her inside is that she knows that those are not her real feelings. She knows and she trusts what she feels. I don't know how many would be able to love like this. It has to be Megumi, for Kotoha. If someone like Megumi can't help her break the curse, then nobody can. That said, if not earlier, I think it's when Kotoha thanked Megumi for the happiness she's brought her, that she took her decision.

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Still connected to the element of her identity, her name, I also want to comment upon Kotoha using the regular first person pronoun (Watashi), rather than the one she adopted after coming back from the Kansai region (Uchi), in two moments in the episode. When Megumi talked to Kotoha at the aquarium, besides telling her that for her she's Kotoha, she added - to her awareness and acceptance of Kotoha - her  using of Uchi as her first person pronoun ("You're Kotoha, your first person pronoun is Uchi, and there's nothing weird about that"). In this episode's "You're Kotoha to me" scene, Kotoha reacts saying "That's right. I (Watashi) am Kotoha Furuhashi". Not the Uchi Kotoha from the aquarium anymore. In the scene, it felt like a good moment. But I'm not completely sure, because her Watashi-using self is still the past self, is still the pre-Kotoha self. When she's back to normal, during the bridge scene, she's also back to Uchi. Her relationship with pre-Kotoha self is still just pure agony and pain. The other time we hear her use Watashi is during the entire confrontation with the mother. There's no Kotoha there. That's all the before.

When it comes to what I hope for Kotoha as an outcome in terms of her name and identity, I really can't decide what I think is best. Part of me believes that getting back to her name and non-forced way of speaking would be better, but the reason why I feel this way is because Kotoha still seems so much...like a facade. If Kotoha could become more herself -  the person - and less a facade, maybe I would think that it'd be better for her to leave the name behind (it is just a name; scarily both a lot and nothing at the same time) and go on with the name she chose. It's the unresolved aspect of it all that doesn't allow me to be strong in that yet.

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Now follow me back to Kotoha's apartment, to the bags. Leaving aside the absolute nightmare it caused me, it made me feel very sad to see the Otter plushy in a bag with the rest, frozen with the rest. On second thought, let's not leave the nightmare aside. Let's get real dark for a second. I'm tormented by the idea of the role the otter played in Kotoha's trauma. I switch between her using it as comfort, and the witch using it to sort of distract her you know when. And the more I think of it the more it hurts. What brings me a little comfort to my own self, is this moment from one of the trailers.

The otter is not in a bag anymore. It's out. It's in the now, not frozen in time with her past. I like to see it as something positive.

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Let's now jump to the bridge a bit for a side note. I don't know about you, but I thought that the initial part of the bridge scene was a bit confusing in terms of contex. Even more so after reading that part in the novel (I got caught up with the part covered in the drama). Without going too much into detail about the differences (I'd love to do that in the future), in the novel they go to Kotoha's place at dusk, stay the night and leave the next morning. The bridge scene happens after lunch the day after. In the drama it all appears to happen in the same day. It's still morning when they reach Kotoha's house, then we see the sun coming down, and it's night during the bridge scene. Megumi's comment about the fact that they should've laid something on the floor and her body hurting because they didn't, added to then talking about spending the night, would point to the fact that, like in the novel, they had been having sex on the floor (in the novel the moments aren't divided the same way that they are in the drama, though), because...it would make no sense for them to have been sleeping until night, go out to buy something, and then go to sleep. Still, this point isn't made clear in the drama, so I'm not sure what the intention was. But I guess what most viewers would gather is that they kept laying on the floor, embracing each other. That's how I took it before considering that it must've been a while before it got as late as for the bridge scene...

Edit to add:  On the same note, I've seen some comments that made me think there's different views about what went on in the apartment. Or better, about how it ended. My interpretation watching was that, even though we didn't get to see the end of it and got directly to the after, what Kotoha had started did come to an end. I don't think the dream-like, past-reminiscing moment is the end of it. Kotoha is not doing that, gazing up the ceiling with Megumi still like a mannequin under her, in real life. That moment after seeing the otter isn't really happening. I also think Megumi's comment on the bridge wouldn't make that much sense at all if it hadn't continued. Also, and again this is merely how I see it unfold and how it sounds reasonable in my mind, after Megumi gave up on her attempt to get Kotoha to face what happened, instead of rushing into the act in such a senseless and abrupt way, and after deciding to embrace Kotoha even in that state, from the heights of her all encompassing love (oh, Megumi...), I think Megumi went on with it, having even abandoned the reason to pose resistance, as there was no point in it. I feel more so after reading that part in the novel, but things go a bit differently there. Ultimately more disturbingly (for me personally), but differently...I'll speak more to this when I get a chance to do it properly!

Speaking of the novel and of Megumi's love, I want to share a little detail that I think may make a little less painful everything about Kotoha choosing not to call Megumi by her name, to tear the love in her name apart and cut it in half. Because it felt so unfair, to Kotoha, that someone would be blessed with a name so much infused with love. There's a very moving part that Kotoha adds to that in the novel. It's that the heart (心) in Megumi, in the Love (愛), is in the upper part of the character, and that's the half, Megu, that she has chosen to leave in the nickname she gave to Megumi. 🥹

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Lastly (I think - I don't know, I'm sorry, this has been pure chaos), this scene...

How much am I supposed to look into it? This is my issue with deep pieces of work. How close and/or far am I supposed to look? To what extent am I supposed to consider the details?  Turned out they went for the blue flowers in a second moment for this scene (Kamiura was initially thinking of going with red cotton - Eda rejected the idea, bless her - and was relieved when it was changed to blue petals), for example, so I'm guessing I don't need to put too much thought into them. But there are two other elements that catch my attention. Kotoha raising her head and looking up like that, and the sudden ocean sounds, just like in that location in episode 1, before Kotoha proposes the game to Megumi. The imagery that this brings inside my mind is that of Kotoha being underwater, looking up at the surface. Did what happen make her realize just how down under she still is? How far the surface is? Ahhhh, Kotoha...Writing this brought to my mind the image of Megumi reaching her hand again, and raising Kotoha up to the surface...I really want Kotoha to be free, and to accept love and happiness. And Megumi deserves some peace and happiness, too.

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Wait! I'm not done yet! I want to say something about the final scene! Yes, Kotoha is saying those things to try and hurt Megumi and force her to let her go, BUT! One thing I believe is that by this point Kotoha knows - or maybe part of her hopes too - that this won't be enough to make her give up. I mean, come on!! Megumi has demonstrated time and time again how determined and dedicated she is. There is no way (and Kotoha has to know it!) that she would accept this. Despite the reasons why she's trying to push her away, despite the fear, despite it all, Kotoha still wants to be found, and still hopes to be found by Megumi. That's it. Enough. bye!!

I've written so much and I feel like I haven't even started getting out all that I wanted to get out. How is that even possible? In case you've come this far, know that I've just sent you a virtual hug! And I'd love to read your thoughts, if you want to share anything! When I have some more time, I plan on writing something more about my struggle with guessing Kotoha's name...

Now, back to pretending to live while I actually think about CallMeNo!