Episode 7 Thoughts | Just Another Messy Ramble

Ok, I might have sorted out my thoughts a bit (just a bit!), so here are some comments about episode 6 of Call Me by No Name. 

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Where to start? That's always the issue when it comes to putting down my thoughts.
Wait, let me start shallow, to lighten the mood before we jump in!
So, while I was deeply feeling for our poor heroine Megumi as she ended up being completely stuck, paralyzed after Kotoha left her, I have to say I was also very impressed by how good she looked. Hair down hoodie Megumi for the win. Best look. I need more. I'm in love. Okay, enough of this. Moving on.

The reason why I appreciated what Tabane did so much, is not just because I like Tabane and think she's an absolute angel. It's also because it was such a demonstration of care and affection. Megumi had barely opened up to her and Sanae about what was going on, and being so involved with Kotoha - given the circumstances - led her to keep some distance (if not physical, surely emotional and mental) from her friends, and yet Tabane did not give up on her. Didn't simply let her be. I mention this because it does happen, doesn't it? For whatever reason you can't, don't want or aren't ready to open up about something with those around you, and they just let it be, they let you be, maybe even thinking it's a kind thing to do. It really isn't. I wish every one of you who's reading this a friend like Tabane (if you don't have one already). And she's not just kind and sweet, mind you! She tells it like it is! She properly scolds Megumi, in her own way. That's love. 

When Megumi said that she didn't even try to get to know Kotoha, I felt like it was only half true. While she consciously avoided putting time and effort into finding her name, she did try to get to know her, starting from little things like what was her favorite color, or guessing her favorite taste of popcorn; asking if she had watched that movie before, trying her best to make her happy during the date (which would've made her understand what she liked and found enjoyable), asking about getting sick as a kid, and she did try to find out more about her also asking Murata. And though it's also true that she almost always waited for Kotoha herself to tell her something, Megumi had always - in her own way, which sometimes were not the right ones because...she couldn't have known - cared for Kotoha's feelings, keeping them as an incredibly high priority...But yes, the point here was more concretely about actually finding Kotoha, in the way Megumi was meant to find her. And she absolutely did avoid that. Also, the scene with Tabane is not in the novel.

The following scene actually happened at an earlier moment, in the novel (with a little bit mixed with a conversation with another character...). Or better, the things Murata tells Megumi in the drama at this moment, she told her in the novel during the previous confrontation (the episode 4 one, remember?). Anyway, he wasn't that useful, I would say. What do you think? I mean, we and Megumi already knew that Kotoha wasn't living like that because she liked it, but because she felt like it was her destiny - hence she has to do it. Hearing him literally say that it was like a duty which she performed in an almost frighteningly detatched way does put a layer of concrete shape to something we could've only assumed, so it was still interesting I guess, as in...making everything even more heartbreaking. 

I rolled my eyes upwards a bit when he said that Kotoha wasn't looking for love. Because he doesn't understand. He can - obviously - only see this from his limited perspective of just another guy Kotoha spent a night with, but that ended up liking her. Indeed, Kotoha was not looking for love in the performance of her nightly duties as per her destiny, but Yotogi had been looking for, hoping for, and wishing for love since...forever. No way Murata could know. And there's no need for him to, anyway. I did appreciate the fact that Megumi inspired him to try and find out more about the girl he said he liked.

Then, seeing Megumi finally really determined to find Kotoha was wonderful. And isn't it cute how she remembered all those details? It's not like she could rewatch them as episodes like us eheh.

The encounter with Kotoha's mother was so chilling. I was really impressed by Tamao Satou's performance. She scared the hell out of me, genuinely. By the way, this also is not in the novel, and what Megumi finds out in this scene is originally discovered through a conversation with another character. The mother's face when Megumi says she's Kotoha's lover. How dare she? Kotoha is HER lover...

Oh, right! Ultimately the correct reading was Sora, not Amane or any of the other options! I have to say I was a bit surprised to find out that her mother's surname is Kotoha's actual surname. This is true in the novel as well. Unlike in the novel, though, the drama doesn't specify that Furuhashi is her father's name; it's left for us to assume (I originally thought she had made it up like Kotoha, after finding out the court can allow that in certain circumstances). 

Back to Sora. I think I mentioned it in the EP6 thoughts post too, but another thing that I find so unsettling about this woman is her child-like way of speaking. She is so scary, so scary. And if I think about what she did to Kotoha I feel sick. I got literal chills - I know sometimes people "just say that", but I literally got them - when she said "so what?" after Megumi told her that Kotoha definitely doesn't want to see her.
What does it matter, right? What does it matter what Kotoha feels or wants? All that matters are mama's desires. I feel sick.

Leaving aside the fact that AT LEAST it was recognized, can you believe that woman got only 1 year in prison for sexually abusing her son? That really adds to the horror of it all. Again, I will go into depth about this in a specific post comparing drama and novel, but just know that things are different and in a way that will most likely make you feel like sending all the blessing in this world to Miki Matsugasako, the drama screenwriter. Just one detail I will tell you is that in the novel, victim of Sora's sexual abuse is only Yotogi.

I loved the moment in which Megumi put all the pieces together. Sheherazade, "Yo", the name being her destiny (and how that destiny is being fulfilled). I will admit I am quite happy to have been able to get to "Yotogi" before it was revealed in the drama, mostly because of the damn time and effort - for the major part leading nowhere eheh - I put into it. Anyway, we did it, Megumi. You did it. And now, what?

 

Before that, have you noticed that they used different or new takes for some of the scenes Megumi saw? The part in which Kotoha is surprised about Megumi knowing about the female same-sex rape legislation doesn't originally show Kotoha's face that much, and instead switches to Megumi; the part in which Kotoha starts kissing Megumi's neck is an entirely different take,  and in episode 6 we never hear Kotoha say "I can't escape from the destiny of my name, not even by changing it". The only thing she says is "My name is a curse". The take, however, is clearly the same. So they must've cut it. It makes sense for the phrase we hear in episode 7's memory to follow the one in episode 6, and then lead to "I'm just like that woman".

Back to the episode...

I was sort of moved by the fact that, despite having purposely ignored her messages so far, and despite having harshly broken up with her, as soon as Megumi sent her the message asking her to meet at the aquarium, Kotoha was up for it. And I felt like somehow, Megumi had no doubts she would. 

The exchange, as Megumi got there, was another hit through the heart.
Kotoha was there, waiting, just like she had been waiting in episode 3, for their date.
And hasn't she been waiting this whole time, really?
Only now what she had always been waiting for, is there.
The literal personification of the love she's always needed but thought she didn't deserve.

Ichika was so good here, when Megumi says "Yotogi". The way her face muscles tensed, and then the eyes wandered, and then she just couldn't face that way anymore.

Finding out that Kotoha didn't merely change name to try and run away from her past was a wonderful surprise. While she kept surrendering to that cursed destiny she felt she was entrapped by, Kotoha still did all she could - against forces much bigger than her! - to go against it. First and foremost, by fighting to have what happened to her recognized as the horrific abuse it was. Leaving the trace of it, the trace of her past in the court records. And of course, Yotogi would be a constant reminder of the nature of the abuse she suffered, night after night spent forced by her own mother to keep her sexual company (in the novel that phrase about the name being a reminder of the nature of her abuse is actually said by Kotoha's brother, and it becomes the biggest hint for Megumi to arrive at the name).

Yet she didn't need the name to be reminded of her destiny. With the name gone, the curse was still there. It wasn't really the name, was it? The name bore the curse because of what her mother did to her. Otherwise, as Yotogi, the max she would've had to endure, would've been some gazes or jokes by some idiots due to the possible sexual interpretation of the word. This is actually touched upon a bit in the novel. Like I explained in my name guessing post, the word's general meaning merely refers to be with someone through the night. The sexual connotation is not inherent to the word, though that usage is the one that comes to mind the most to those who hear it. Which is really unfortunate if you ask me (I know you're not asking me!). I might be influenced by hearing it from Megumi, but Yotogi sounds beautiful, to me...

I was already crying, but if I hadn't been, I would've started when Kotoha says about her name that it suggests that she was born just to keep her mother's (sexual) company. It was so heartbreaking. And of course it would sound like that, why wouldn't it, when that is exactly what she had to do for years? Ahhh, it makes me so sick...And have you thought back to the previous episodes? Leaving aside the fact that the original otter was bought to her by Kotoha's mother, with whom she went to the aquarium, what really stuck with me are the words about that woman being so, so, soooo horrible, that she would take such good care of Kotoha when she used to be sick. Almost as if to compensate for the horrors she would subject her every single night. And a child loves her mother. "You can do it, if you love", right? Oh, my heart hurts so badly. 

I do believe that Kotoha is right in saying that people can't be reborn. We really can't (no matter how much we might be able to change). But nothing about that makes her unworthy of love. And, listen, I regretfully have a sort of maybe cynical view when it comes to this. I don't think love, happiness or any other beautiful state or emotion people can encounter in their lives are things we "deserve" or "don't deserve". Maybe it's also a way of protecting from the thought that not receiving love might mean not being worthy of it, but anyway...That doesn't count for kids. All children deserve - and need, actually - to be loved. And a child who was robbed of love and peace by the person who more than any other should've loved and protected her, well...I can't help but feel that she deserves all the love she didn't get, and more. 

When Kotoha first heard about Megumi's name being written as "love", she couldn't help but resent this name that so obviously inspires love, that so clearly feels meant to receive love, unlike hers. But while surely Megumi is as easy to love as her name is, her capacity to express and give love, is manyfold greater than that. The way she hugs Kotoha, and then takes a deep breath that almost gives even more weight to the words about to come out of her mouth, was extraordinary. She loves both of them. Both Kotoha and Yotogi. Love. Love. Love. An entire ocean of it.

My hope in that moment, was that Megumi's words of love could be able to wash away even just a little bit of the pain, of the dirt, of the hate attached to the three syllables of that name, Yotogi. That listening to that word said by someone who so deeply, so unconditionally loves her, wants to treasure and protect her, made Kotoha at least start - even just start - to believe that maybe she can deserve this love. 

The way I see it, the Kotoha in that particular scene was in huge part Yotogi, just like she was Yotogi in that sweet but heartbreaking moment in the hotel, when Megumi hugged her, and told her she didn't want to do anything she didn't want. Kotoha/Yotogi longs for love, as much as she might still be scared of it. 

However, you absolutely cannot have Megumi cry as she hugs you tight and tell her that! "And with this, we're friends" my ass, Kotoha!! No, really. I don't care. I already wrote it on Twitter but I will keep saying this, because what's coming up is unfair. The rules were veeeeeery simple. If Megumi were to guess Kotoha's real name while they were dating, Kotoha would accept to become her friend. The game would be called off if they broke up. Simple, right? But Kotoha literally broke up with Megumi at the end of episode 6. So why is the game still on? It shouldn't be. Megumi found Kotoha's name outside the boundaries of the game. I'm serious when it comes to games and rules, you all! 

Poor Megumi, my beloved, going in prepared that she didn't get the name right (but she knew she got it right!) she wouldn't have anything to do with Kotoha anymore. She promised. And now, she gets it right and Kotoha is like "Yay, we're bbfs!"!? Honey, Megumi wants to have everything to do with you!!!

And going by what the summary and preview suggest, Kotoha is not even going to pretend they're friends, since she will start avoiding Megumi. You need to understand, you beautiful, precious, traumatized puppy, that pain doesn't scare Megumi! Nothing scares Megumi (aside from losing you, you idiot!!) - is it clear that I really like Megumi? -. So what, if things aren't going to be all roses? She can put up with some suffering! She'll be glad to go through everything with you, both the happy things and not so happy things (again, let me remind you of Pseudonym's lyrics because they're super relevant). So...let's look forward to Kotoha finally deciding to open her heart, as Ichika will have an emotional breakdown (as we also will be, probably), next week!

As always, a huge amount of respect to anyone who read all this!