Some Thoughts, as I Spiral About Names and Curses [Call Me by No Name]

This is me rambling about Call Me By No Name, which is almost all I do every day since this drama began airing. I thought I'd put some of that out of my mind and onto a post! Feel free to join me and share your thoughts!

=======

Kotoha says her name is a curse.

She hates the person who gave it to her.

Then why did she propose the name-guessing game to Megumi?

I think the details of the game are not especially relevant, per se.
Megumi showed interest in Kotoha, and Kotoha correctly assumed she would’ve wanted to become her friend. But she had no reason to let her. Megumi had to be willing to do something she wouldn’t normally do, she had to demonstrate some sort of commitment, she had to accept to put something on the table. And it makes sense, doesn’t it?
After all, Kotoha puts her entire self on the table. She can’t be the one risking something in the game.

Even before getting to that point, I believe the fact itself that she revealed to Megumi that Kotoha isn't her real name places Megumi in a special position. It doesn’t seem like anybody else knows.

But…

How and when did Megumi gain this position?

Was it when she found Kotoha and picked her up?

Was it when she let her stay even after refusing her maladjusted attempt at repaying that kindness? This could’ve struck a chord, because Kotoha lets us know it had never happened before.

Was it when she just wouldn't let Kotoha go, and couldn't help but be worried about her after discovering how she had been living?

Can’t be kindness alone. The others showed kindness too.

Can’t be worry alone. Murata was worried too, even though we could say in a much more self-centered way.

And the witch, her mother, would also show her kindness.
She would also worry very much about Kotoha.
And she’s the one who cursed her.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

The truth. A fate wrapped around her like a curse, determined the moment she was born. An inescapable fate.

Tabane the angel thinks someone might want another to find their name because they want them to discover the reason why they changed it. Might be true, but it leaves me with my whys about choosing Megumi.

Maybe it really happened when Megumi picked her up. And in a way it was Megumi making herself be chosen, by choosing Kotoha herself.

What will happen when or if Megumi indeed finds Kotoha’s real name?

Wouldn’t being called by that name again make the curse even stronger, in a way cursing Kotoha again?

Or would it work as a sort of reclaiming of it, of freeing it from the curse embedded onto it, onto Kotoha herself? Like someone casting “Dispel” (just putting it out there as a fellow gamer, my dear Meguchi!).

The discovery of Kotoha’s real name, in a way, will be the discovery of Kotoha herself.

We’ve seen glimpses of her, here and there, but she never ever fully dropped her façade.

She hasn’t, but deep down she must want to be able to. She must think (hope?) there is a way to escape her fate. She must want to come back to who she is, instead of this act she puts up as she keeps swimming in the waters of her curse. She must want to be found. And she has entrusted Megumi with the role of finding her.

Is Kotoha ultimately looking for Megumi to show her proof of real love (referring to the real love that Murata was convinced he could show her…), affection, kindness and care that are not bound by conditions or transactions?

Then again, even if Megumi were to show that, would Kotoha be able to really accept and embrace it? She clearly isn’t at that point yet. There’s the need for some sort of a breakthrough.

And here I am, having moved pretty much zero steps forward in understanding why Kotoha chose Megumi. I definitely don’t think there was any reason to. Everything Kotoha does appears to be intentional, and so has to be the fact that it was Megumi, whom she proposed the name-guessing game to. 

======

As an appendix, let me add some considerations I shared on Twitter yesterday, about Kotoha.

I was rewatching that scene in episode 2 when Megumi asks Kotoha why she has been living like she has (asking people to let her spend the night, offering sex in exchange), even though she has just said she doesn't even like having sex. 

As you might well remember, Kotoha says that, at first, it was proof. 

Of what? Proof of what? What can doing that possibly prove?

That nobody would be willing to show her kindness without wanting or expecting to be repaid? 

After all, we know that before Megumi everyone else accepted the "exchange".
Someone does something for her and, to repay them, she offers her body. 

And she actively seeks it, this transactional ritual, again and again, despite not being interested in sex!
This can't not be trauma related. Some sort of coping mechanism.

It also got me thinking about something else. We know Kotoha feels less scared when she's not alone, that having someone beside her makes her feel safer. So could part of the reason she's been seeking people who would let her spend the night also have been to not be alone? 

This would then create an even more twisted sort of association though, with the providing of safety/security and the act of sex to repay that.

I'm now thinking yet another thing. It WAS proof, she said. Now it's just her fate. When did that change happen? And did it stop being proof of whatever she thought it was proof of because she managed to prove it, or because she couldn't, but she still can't escape from that behavior because it's her fate?  

I just...cannot stop thinking about all this, my friends. Bear with me.
I wonder if episode 6 will answer some of my questions, or just give me more to pleasantly torture my brain with. 

====== 

By the way, I've still gotten nowhere in terms of guessing Kotoha's name.
And I admit I'm a bit frustrated about it...because I can picture myself finding it out at the end of the series and realizing it was within reach the entire time, and yet I didn't get it!

I'm even second guessing what is a hint and what isn't, among all the things that appear to be possible hints. The one that feels like the strongest, to me, is still the "Yo" that would likely be the start of her name.

I also find myself thinking about her chosen name, because I don't believe it's without meaning. She chose it, after all. Why pick something random? Not very Kotoha-like.  

Having just discovered that her mother's surname also includes the character for bridge (Kotoha's surname 古橋 points to an old bridge, the mom's 橋立 to the building up of a bridge), reinforced that thought.

But Kotoha couldn't have foreseen Megumi meeting her mother, so I don't think the mom's name would be a direct clue to Kotoha's real name, even though it might have associations with the one she chose.

That said, Kotoha Furuhashi itself might hide hints to the real name. I tried to make all the possible combinations (especially given that one of the characters can also be read as "You"), and I even tried dividing the characters in their smallest parts, in an attempt to find clues, almost if it were a game in itself, but I've gone nowhere with it. 

Then again, if what I think is the biggest hint is indeed a hint, so the name starts with Yo, there's not at all an infinite number of names starting like that. I also consider the hint about the fact that it would have to be made of more than one character, and it could have a negative connotation depending on context. 

So it wouldn't just be a matter of finding the name in terms of how it sounds, the syllables it's read as, but even more so the characters it's written with!

Yeah, I'm still nowhere with it, honestly, even more so now that Scheherazade has been revealed to have been a reference to her old dream of wanting to become a writer (hence the name of a storyteller), rather than a possible direct hint to the real name.

What else? Well, nothing for now I think.
Have you read everything? Really? Have you?
If so, consider me impressed, and flattered!

Now let's get back, both you and me, to getting ready for episode 6!